Three simple ways to bargain in Singapore

Chinese business owners and Europeans in this city seem to have a very unique bond that unites them: Europeans get screwed over every step of the way. The general perception is that Europeans – or white people in general – have a lot of money to spend as wealthy tourists or well-off international businessmen on their way to a meeting here in Singapore. Sometimes I think Chinese can smell money ten kilometers against the wind. And they want it, all of it. They are very good in getting it, too.
But after being scammed and screwed many times here I have found out that you can lower the price to a normal level or even a bargain by three simple steps.

Step one – never tell them you are a tourist
Browsing through t-shirts in Chinatown some days ago I was asked how many days I was on vacation here. After I told the guy that I lived here the price for one shirt dropped from $14.50 to $14 within one second and further with every second I hesitated.
A tailor gave me exactly the price I asked for because he said he wanted to make me into a regular since I live here.

So even if you are a tourist it is a good idea to lie. Don’t worry, lying is not wrong in this case because the Chinese shop owner will lie to you every time he opens his mouth. Try not to look too tourist-y. For Germans that means no socks in your sandals, for British people that means no dressing like you are an 1890′s jungle explorer, for French it means learning some English and just in general: don’t wear the “I <3 SG” shirt you bought yesterday, do not study your free map of Singapore (available at many MRT stations and the Singapore Visitor Center) or travel guide and don’t carry your camera too obviously. Then, once you are asked and you lie about living here, you are more credible.

Step two – speak Chinese
This is somewhat taking step one a little further. Few tourists know Chinese, and few non-Chinese locals do, for that matter. You have the element of surprise and convey familiarity with the culture.

Surprising the shop owner by throwing some Chinese into his face works fairly well because it shows him that you are no stranger to his culture (of which ripping people off is a considerably big part) and that it is not the first time you are doing business with a Chinese. Basically, it shows him that you are not to be fooled easily.
Of course you don’t have to learn the whole language, here are a few phrases I use and they are generally sufficient for giving you a few dollars off:
它多少钱? (Tā duōshǎo qián?) = How much is it?
太贵了。 (Tài guìle) = too expensive.
我不想买。 (Wǒ bùxiǎng mǎi) = I do not want to buy.

Step three – do not buy
One time in Lucky Plaza I was looking for a backup battery for my camera. They are extremely expensive in Europe and I hoped to get a bargain here. I had the guy in a little camera shop show me a battery but it was more expensive than I expected, so I told him thank you but I didn’t want it. The price dropped from $40 to $17.

You need to understand that everything here is cheap for us foreigners but still overpriced. No matter how low the price seems to you, there is still a fat contribution and it is your job to cut that contribution down to a fair level. Even if you want the article, just say no and walk off. Do not say it is too expensive, just say you are not interested in buying and were just looking around. The shop owner will not let you leave without buying anything.

You just have to exercise a little care when it comes to follow-up purchases. They will give you a great bargain on the item you want, or don’t want and still buy. They may earn little on this item, so they try to talk you into buying a second thing. In the example with the tailor above, I got a great deal on shirts and the guy wanted to give me a second great deal on trousers. When I bought the camera battery, I ended up buying a screen protector as well, which was just as expensive as the battery.
Generally, I always try to buy my things in commercial stores like supermarkets or convenience stores, where prices are fixed and universal. Buying in little Chinese stores is not a bad thing but there is always the danger of being ripped off, especially in tourist areas. Outside of those, where no tourist ever comes, the prices are generally always fixed and low, and the shop owners are less greedy.

These tips do not work in “higher developed” commercial stores. Bargaining is not a common practice here so do not try to get money off your computer or your food. Don’t make a fool of yourself. You can tell relatively easily where bargaining is okay, the best indicator is a missing price tag. Or you can just try step three, if they react to it you can go further.

Big city nights (you keep me burning)

My old life sucked. If you have read this blog before or ever asked me about Germany, you already know. I try sharing different aspects of this sucking, and point out why I am so much better off in Singapore using examples and anecdotes. Today is about going out.

Try to do something on a Saturday night in rural northern Germany. First, you need to assess who of your friends are available. We Germans are little flexible and spontaneous, so unless you made the plan many weeks in advance and have it in writing, signed by all parties, copies distributed and E-mail reminders sent out to everyone every other day, getting your friends out to an outing is very difficult. The planning itself was always a horrible mess because someone would always have sand in their vagina and messed everything up by contributing nothing but an endless string of alternatives. Planning often went wild and did not come to an end. We even founded a Facebook group so we could have a standardized forum for our planning. Even that didn’t work. That is reason number one why I spent most of my Saturday nights in Germany at home alone.
The second reason is that there is purely nothing to do. In my hometown – and this is probably  an inappropriate word as I used to live 30km away from the town I am calling my hometown – there is one club, which sucks; one pub, which gets boring; and the option to stay at someone’s home. But either there is no space in someone’s house, or there is only space when the parents are out, or the person is just too much of a pussy to invite friends over and clean up the day after.
The third reason is that no matter which of these options you choose, you have to drive. Public transport? No way José. Taxi? Only for rich people. So it’s driving. Driving takes the fun out of many outings though, and as the person living furthest away I had to drive all the time, distributing my drunk friends to their respective homes. My little yellow car became infamous and beloved by the name “yellow cab.”

Hence I am always amazed at the weekends in Singapore. Opportunities are vast, you just need to pluck them. There is so much to do here you can even switch to alternatives! For a country boy from Doucheland like me this is always amazing. This weekend is a great example for this.

Friday – Okay, given, my classmates here are not exactly what you call insanely active people. At least I expected more from a highly international young crowd in one of the world’s most dynamic cities. So Friday night was expected to go boring. But I didn’t want to accept that – so I called up one of my girl friends to see a movie. Spontaneously, she said yes. In the end she turned out to be stuck at school so we had to cancel, but instead I called up my buddy and we went to suck a few beers in Holland Village. No long planning, no discussion. Just hop on the bus and go. Loved it.

Saturday – Now, Saturday was the big deal. There was a school musical to which I went with my date aka classmate. We had agreed on going for a drink afterwards. However, after the musical had finished I learned that she had turned out making other plans the previous day. I don’t want to lose too many words on this, but the night had taken an ugly turn. Pissed off and with a free schedule, I went for supper with my buddy in a hawker near the school. There we ran into our teacher and his friend, who invited us to join them. The night was young, so were we and we started rounding up people and headed for Geylang. Spontaneously. Casually. Easily. After that my memory is blurred but some more friends came over to join us later and we had a fun night. Somehow I made it home at some point of time and when I woke up this morning and the bad feeling in my belly had lightened, I was happy. Happy that no matter what happens, in this town there is always a way to live life to the fullest. Even when your initial plans are screwed up, don’t go home (unless it is past 2am, of course.) Go further and you will find memories to make, people to meet, and material for blog entries to write.

Sunday – It is Sunday afternoon right now, I am hung over and haven’t left the bed all day. Will this be a boring day? NO! Tonight I am meeting a friend again to see a movie. Yes, even that is amazing, though planned two days in advance it is still more spontaneous and easy than watching a movie with my friends back in Doucheland. Last Sunday, when I was equally hung over, I took a walk. It’s called urban exploring. I ended up walking 11km and see some nice places around the city. Of course, I am new here whereas a 11km walk around my home village would  hardly unearth anything new to see. But nevertheless, the urban nature of this environment has many more streets to walk, more to see and many more people who make new things, ie opening new stores or celebrating street festivals.

Life rocks. Just pluck the day. And never go home.

Steve Jobs resigns – my last Apple rant

Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. My friend sent me a very excited SMS while I was on the bus home and my initial comment was “yeah so what, he has done that before” but apparently this time it is serious. The speculated reason is that his cancer worsened his health too much. In that case, it is the best decision to resign from the stressful job of selling junk to millions of fanatic disciples. I hope he is going to be well and wish him all the best.

But what does that mean for Apple? While I am definitely not a fan of Steve Jobs, I have come to admire his talent of turning people into consumption machines which will take simply everything out of your hands for any price you name. He is a genius. Not a technology genius, and not a creative visionary, as some comments today title him – no, he is a marketing genius and only as such could he have given Apple the position it has today.

Yes, I wrote that his job was selling junk to zombie consumers, and I wrote that he is not a technologic visionary. I mean it. Jobs never invented anything, he just sold it. Many people have built computers and invented things, but I am quite sure that his colleague Steve Wozniak would have never been able to stay afloat if Jobs had not been able to sell the stuff. When Jobs was gone from Apple, they faced bankruptcy, and only Jobs’ return made it possible for Apple to stay alive.
And as for today’s products I will now cause every Apple user on the planet to drop their jaws and get into a wild rage by saying that their tech gadgets are not half as special as the proud users think. Seriously, what is a Mac? A Mac is a PC wrapped in gay white plastic. What is a Macbook? A Macbook is an average laptop (at best) wrapped in gay white plastic. What is an Ipod? And Ipod is an MP3-Player wrapped in blabla that is just way more complicated to use than a normal MP3 – no integrated USB, no drag-and-drop of files, but instead the need to plug it to a computer (of course, if it is not an Apple Computer the Ipod can cause serious harm to the software) and fill it using Itunes – a gay gray version of nameanyopensourcemediaplayer. What is an Iphone? Well, the Iphone was indeed a new concept but actually it is only a little computer with a phone function, too small to be comfortable for use and too big to be comfortable to carry in your pocket. What is an Ipad? A big Iphone, or a Macbook without keyboard and CD drive. I really don’t see the technical revolution. My friend recently said “Steve Jobs deserves credit for revolutionizing the way we communicate” – No, he doesn’t. Philipp Reis, Graham Bell, Bill Gates and the inventors of the Internet revolutionized the way we communicate, Apple just built on those.

Steve Jobs merely revolutionized the way we consume. Apple has a loyal customer base like no other company ever before. Apple is worshipped like a religion, in which the fruit logo replaces the cross, Steve Jobs replaces Jesus, Microsoft replaces the devil, the products replace indulgences, Apple stores replace churches, advertising replaces the inquisition and geeky customers replace the people who go on the crusade to kill and torture everything that does not believe in Christianity. In a more contemporary context replace my words by “Quran”, “Mohammed”, “America”, “72 virgins”, “Mosques”, “bin Laden” and “Terrorists”. Well you get what I mean.

And herein lies my deep aversion towards anything that is Apple. I have a friend who always was very interested in computers and technology. Eventually, he bought a Macbook and within a short period of time he turned into a total intolerant dick defending Apple in about the same manner someone defends the pope when you point out the retarded points about the Catholic teachings. He is not the only one, others have gone the same way. May be that they like Apple products better, but their 180° turn into dickheads was highly uncomfortable to me. And so, just like I told the Scientology guy who once stopped me and the Jehovah’s Witnesses ringing my door bell that I do not want to hear anything about their religion, I refused to get involved with Apple and its diabolic brainwashing machinery.
Not that I don’t acknowledge the advantages these products have over competitors, but (aside from my refusal to be sucked into the cult) unlike Apple users I do also acknowledge the disadvantages. Use a Macbook in the sun, the smooth display will f*ck you big time. Use a silicone protector for its keyboard and you will be glad to see dirt prints on your display afterwards. Try getting up on time the day daylight savings time starts when you use your Iphone as an alarm clock. Try customizing your Apple software. Try downloading an “app” that Apple does not like – there are none as the distribution channels are controlled and censored by the company. Yes, the products may be good but after all they are at best on par with other ones. Consider the incredibly overcharged price and you get ripped off. All so you can carry around a computer that is wrapped in gay white plastic and has a fruit painted on it. Congratulations, you have been “appled”. In Germany we actually have the word “veräppeln” which could be translated to this.

Apple, and especially the genius Steve Jobs, have turned millions into zombies who are not only willing to pay a lot of money for the products, but who also desperately wait for them, camp outside the store to buy them first and are absolutely willing to overlook and stubbornly deny any flaw or disadvantage pointed out to them regarding the product itself or the company policy. They love to be slaves of commerce, they love to be ripped off and if Steve Jobs had told them to go kill a Windows user, some would have done so. Except, the most fanatic Apple users would of course break off any contact with former friends who are Windows users. Say what you will, Steve Jobs has to be admired. His marketing skills are those few people in history have possessed, including Alexander the Great, Hitler, L. Ron Hubbard and Barack Obama. Some use their skills for good, some for bad. Steve Jobs used it to make money, is that good or bad? Neither, I would say. If I possessed the skill to sell shit to the masses and make billions with it, I would do so. There is nothing unethical about it, it’s the customers’ own fault that they are stupid and blind.

What does it mean, Jobs being gone? He left at the peak of his company’s career, that is certain. After the Ipad, which was already anything but a revolution, there is nothing more to invent. Ipod (touch), Iphone and Ipad are already so similar you can barely tell them apart. And with the enormous market share and loyal users, the brand is losing its major strength: being the one that is different. Remember the “I’m a Mac – and I’m a PC” commercials? Apple rose to success by using the Differentiation Strategy. Buy a Mac and you are finally free from Windows. Another bit of genius marketing – Apple mad its disciples believe that everybody who didn’t own a gay white computer is a Windows-user. Unfortunately, this is widely true and it used to be about 100% true a while ago. Linux still only has a market share of about 1% of the operating systems, for some reason I have never heard of Android for computers, and of course the Apple OS can not be installed on a computer that is not gay, white and overpriced. However, not my point. The point is that Apple was the different one, nibbling on Microsoft’s 100% market share. Now Apple’s market share is nearing the critical mass, the point where using Apple products is mainstream, and Apple will no longer be the different and unique one (how could you ever be unique with that anyway, all the items look the same and are zero customizable) and somebody else will use this approach on Apple. It is over, it has been slowing down for a while. The current attempt to keep Samsung from selling its Galaxy Tab is just a ridiculously desperate approach to make the fat years last just a little bit longer. But at some point – even with an Apple monopoly – the geeks will realize that they do not need a Macbook, Iphone, Ipad and Ipod as they all do the same jobs. Apple is going to have to retrench, shrink to a healthy size and accept the position as one of many competitors in the field. Just like IBM and Microsoft had to.
With that happening, my hope is that Apple will finally become cool. I am not using an Iphone even though I have been eyeing the possibility of purchasing a smartphone and so far the Iphone seems to be one of the best choices in that segment. But I would always see myself as one of these people who follow the crowd to what is “cool” and I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Maybe now that the prophet Steve Jobs is gone Apple will pursue a less aggressive marketing and through this and external factors become a brand just like any other – as it has always been but not been perceived. With the peak of technological and sales success reached, the company itself will become normal. And then, maybe, even I will buy Apple stuff if it is better than the competition. So far, it is not and only sells because the disciples think it is, but there is going to have to be some product improvement or otherwise Apple will suffer the same fate Microsoft did – being left behind.

Time to say goodbye?

I think I am going to have to start entertaining the thought that my laptop will not make it until January. That was the minimum, and I wanted to look around for a new one when I am back in Germany. But recently it does not look good. The display has been flickering for a few months now, but now the case is suffering fatigue and literally breaking apart. In addition, the cooling seems to not work properly anymore as the computer is constantly heated up so much that sometimes one can barely touch the touchpad.

Now, buying a laptop in Singapore has a few disadvantages, the most notorious of which being the keyboard. I am pretty sure that finding a laptop with a German layout keyboard will be damn difficult and that one – if it exists – would be expensive. Many people who buy their laptops abroad don’t mind the different keyboard but I do. It is not only that the letters are switched – you can still switch them back in the system anyway – but the standard QWERTY-keyboard has some way different keys in itself. The return/enter key for example is quite big on a German keyboard, while in English-layout keyboards this space is actually occupied by two keys. So every time I use a QWERTY and hit the return key it goes “\” instead. Annoying. I want a QWERTZ the way it should be. With a desktop computer that is no problem as yo can just change the keyboard, with a laptop you are stuck.

A second problem is customs. My friend actually has a criminal record because he did not know that when bringing his laptop bought and used abroad to Germany he had to pay customs. And I do not want to pay customs. Airport formalities are annoying enough, I can only imagine how pissed off I would be if I had to walk through the red gate. No thank you.

That aside, I do not like engaging in complex buying behavior again. Buying a computer is difficult because of all the parameters that have to be considered. I’m simply too lazy to buy a new laptop. And so, for now I will keep my old one and use it until it really drops dead. Then of course I will cry big time.

The Downeaster Alexa

It has been on my mind for quite a while and I just had to lose some thoughts about this great song and the well deserved fame it recently gained.

When I watched The Hangover 2 this was really the last song I was expecting in the sound track, and I was quite surprised that this was the makers’ choice for opening the second act. I recall thinking “wow, they really could have used some better song, there are plenty about Bangkok.”

However, when I thought about it a little more later, I found that it is indeed a very clever choice. Of course, the sound and mood of this song are important to the scene, but the lyrics fit just as nicely. They just have to be interpreted as metaphorical. And in doing so, I even found some association with myself in there. I will spare out the long written interpretation. Just listen closely, remember the scene and the background story, and it becomes obvious that this song is the perfect choice, as was Danzig’s “Thirteen” in the first movie.
Generally, whoever is responsible for choosing and matching the songs in both these movies did a magnificent job. It really lifts them up to an even higher level of filmmaking. Maybe, yes maybe they can even pull off another sequel and not make it suck. That would be an achievement even the genius makers of The Lion King were not capable of. But I don’t want to jinx it…

I guess I’m just not a single guy

Barney

I admit it – Barney Stinson is just awesome and probably the most influential TV character I have ever been exposed to. Shortly after starting to watch How I Met Your Mother, I cut my long hair short, I discovered a love for buttoned shirts and suits. Maybe we’re all a little bit Barney, but who can resist being awesome right?

“My life is just some money in the bank, some suits in the closet and an endless string of one night stands … my life rocks!”

The character’s alienating development (especially in the later seasons) aside, there goes a guy who gets everything he wants, and manages to look good no matter what he gets himself into. The thing is that suits actually really have the effect of making everyone look good all the time. It is also true that suits, or rather the aforementioned effect, give you confidence and self-esteem ultimately leading to becoming a little Barney.

But this is not about TV characters and it is not about suits.
A week ago, I broke up with my girlfriend after more than three and a half years. It had been a long-distance relationship all along, but it had always been fine. In fact, we thought that we were proving them all wrong, proving that long-distance relationships can work, can work well.
It did work well until I moved to Singapore.
After a while here I found myself highly unhappy and it took me about a week to figure out what was the problem. The old relationship was keeping me back, leashing me to my old life and preventing me from breaking free. Singapore had always been a symbol of freedom for me, the ultimate destination, the light at the end of the tunnel that was middle-class small-town life. When starting out here I grew more and more confident that my life was going to rock big time. I have some money in the bank, and even though I hadn’t brought my suit I had to buy one since presentations in school have a formal dress code. 2/3 Barney. Not that I wanted to be Barney, but I did want to have an awesome life. And so, long story short, I had to burn the last bridge that was connecting me to my old life. It wasn’t easy, in fact it broke my heart, but I felt it had to be done. For several reasons. Not my main point, though.

So there I was, single in Awesomepore, and awesome in Singlepore. As the only white dude at my school I had been handing out my phone number an amazing number of times already, and walking into the school canteen or the classroom in the morning I was greeted with big smiles all over. And it is not only that the girls here have a much better taste than the ones back at home – they are much more my taste, too. In fact, the classroom alone felt like a Hooters without food (btw and fyi, the Hooters in Singapore is somewhat the navel of the world) and I had enjoyed the attention all the way from the start. Now all of a sudden I was single. And I expected this to be an awesome time ahead.

It’s not.

Ted

Not that I have to go to bed alone every night, I am sure there are plenty of options out there. Actually, there are but I don’t want to drop names. But I find myself not even wanting that. An endless string of one-night stands looks awesome on TV and seems awesome when you only see your girlfriend once a year for more than three years, but somehow it feels little appealing now. Well, it does feel appealing, but there is something I find myself wanting more, and that is a relationship. I can’t really seem to explain why it is that way. I guess it’s just who I am – I am more of a Ted Mosby than I could ever be of a Barney Stinson.

That does not mean I want my old relationship back. As hard as it is, I can’t do that. No, I need someone new. A nice person, friendly, kind, and of course beautiful. The latter really is not hard to find but the other ones are. How many options are there for that? Few I know of, very few, horribly few. So I find myself scouting for that, scouting for a save harbor. Of course the suit, the “I’m going to be a pilot” and the awesomeness help, but in the end the girls I am looking for here can’t be blinded that easily. They want, and I want them to want, some more than that. I sincerely hope I can give it to them, but so far I can’t make a statement as to whether it works. It works better than it ever did in Germany, but German girls are really not suitable for measuring any other girls against. I guess I’ll just have to see and hope that these fun dates lead to the desired end.

Unlike Ted, though, I am not looking for the future Mrs R. If she turns out to be, fine. But really all I need is some affection, someone to look forward to, someone constant in this dynamic city. I guess I am monogamous after all, I can’t help it. If it works, I will leave a good half million beautiful girls standing by the curb in a heartbeat just for this one. Having that said, it is impossible to say if the one I choose will even want to drive away with me. I will just have to wait for the results of my effort. But the waiting for the first kiss is much harder than the one-year wait for the next kiss.

Yes, that is who I am. So passionate that love at first sight really is nothing new to me, clumsy, awkward and very impatient paired with easily jealous. This is a hard ride, but at least I am in Singapore, where there are options. Finding a girlfriend here should be no problem – making her my girlfriend is. This dating thing, it’s not for me. You spend time, effort and heart blood on a girl who may or may not feel the same. And if she doesn’t, you’re left at the start again. This is not as fun as I thought, and I honestly can’t wait for that first kiss, when it is all over and I get to go home with a sense of belonging and meaning in life.